This year has been on bumpy ride from the moment the ball dropped in
January 1st. I lost my grandmother in December on Friday the 13th.
Less then a week later we found out we were expecting our first child
together. The mix emotions of worry and fear but excitement were
running all over the place. As the months rolled by I faced
many obstacles that scared us like a possible heart problem but luckily
they out ruled that in the second trimester after the second big
sonogram. Things were looking up, I wasn't sick anymore and was feeling
great. Then BAM I was in a horrible car accident that left in
horrible pain and sadly still in pain from it. The fear I faced that day
of losing my baby was NOT something I ever want to face again. The
life was ripped right out of my heart. My pride was taken from me and
my whole entire life that I worked HARD to create was shaken up and
broken into a million pieces.
I was put on bed rest and could no
longer work, I could no longer do anything I enjoyed without dealing
with aches and pains. I put a smile on to hide it all, the pain the
depression. So my daughter could enjoy her mommy. But Shortly after
being put on bed rest my job called me up to tell me they could no
longer keep my position. So on top of the emotional pain and trying to
keep this baby in a littler longer I was faced with the fact I no longer
could provide for my family. No one really understood the pain of
feeling like I failed my own family. I did everything I could to TRY
and protect this little one inside me. To keep her healthy and it was
like the world was working against me in every way possible. I soon
started to suffer deep depression. Most days I would lay around and
just cry. I couldn't do anything to keep my head above water.
My own
family kept telling me I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. How can anyone
TELL someone what they should or shouldn't do? This baby was wanted,
this baby was planned and I honestly do NOT care what anyone has to say
or think of that. We both were adults, we knew what the world would
have in store for us way before this car accident happen. But my family
kept saying it as I faced the darkest days surround me. Like being in a
car accident can't happen to someone who isn't pregnant?
Either way,
we force to make a change in our life. We were up rooted from our home
and moved back home. We couldn't afford to pay for a house and the
rest of the bills coming our way with on income. Life took a huge
turn. A lot of long and depresion days. Ones that I swear were never
going to end. I lost hope in people, I lost hope in this world. Sadly I
still have a lot of trust issues with people driving. Every single day
when I drive to the doctors to help fix my knee & back issues I
fear I will go through another car accident. I have nightmares. I can
still feel the impact, I can still feel the moment I grab my stomach and
scream Keith's name. I remember telling them to call him because all I
wanted was him to take away this pain to fix this. and he couldn't, he
couldn't protect me. No one can protect anyone from such an event. I
rememeber the tears pouring down and praying hard to feel a kick
anything to say she was okay. When Keith finally arrived he started
speaking and Miss Abby must have heard his voice and she just went to
town kicking. That moment I knew deep down she was going to be okay.
I
have faced so much this year and in fact I have come out stronger. I
have taken the negative and turned it into a positive thing. But I know
not every day will be full of cheerful days. Some still seem to haunt
me but I am a fighter and I will GET THROUGH THIS like I have gotten
through everything else in my life. I have fault battles no one even
knows about alone and have gotten through it. Now I have the best man
beside me hand and hand fighting with me. I will one day be strong
again to stand on my own two feet.
So here is to a better year in 2015.
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