Dark days turn to lighter days

This year has been on bumpy ride from the moment the ball dropped in January 1st.  I lost my grandmother in December on Friday the 13th.  Less then a week later we found out we were expecting our first child together.  The mix emotions of worry and fear but excitement were running all over the place.  As the months rolled by I faced many obstacles that scared us like a possible heart problem but luckily they out ruled that in the second trimester after the second big sonogram. Things were looking up, I wasn't sick anymore and was feeling great.    Then BAM I was in a horrible car accident that left in horrible pain and sadly still in pain from it. The fear I faced that day of losing my baby was NOT something I ever want to face again.  The life was ripped right out of my heart.  My pride was taken from me and my whole entire life that I worked HARD to create was shaken up and broken into a million pieces.  
I was put on bed rest and could no longer work, I could no longer do anything I enjoyed without dealing with aches and pains.  I put a smile on to hide it all, the pain the depression. So my daughter could enjoy her mommy.  But Shortly after being put on bed rest  my job called me up to tell me they could no longer keep my position.  So on top of the emotional pain and trying to keep this baby in a littler longer I was faced with the fact I no longer could provide for my family.  No one really understood the pain of feeling like I failed my own family.  I did everything I could to TRY and protect this little one inside me. To keep her healthy and it was like the world was working against me in every way possible.  I soon started to suffer deep depression.  Most days I would lay around and just cry. I couldn't do anything to keep my head above water. 
My own family kept telling me I shouldn't have gotten pregnant.  How can anyone TELL someone what they should or shouldn't do?   This baby was wanted, this baby was planned and I honestly do NOT care what anyone has to say or think of that.  We both were adults, we knew what the world would have in store for us way before this car accident happen.  But my family kept saying it as I faced the darkest days surround me.  Like being in a car accident can't happen to someone who isn't pregnant?  
Either way,  we force to make a change in our life.  We were up rooted from our home and moved back home.  We couldn't afford to pay for a house and the rest of the bills coming our way with on income.  Life took a huge turn.  A lot of long and depresion days.  Ones that I swear were never going to end. I lost hope in people, I lost hope in this world.  Sadly I still have a lot of trust issues with people driving.  Every single day when I drive to the doctors to help fix my knee & back issues I fear I will go through another car accident. I have nightmares.  I can still feel the impact, I can still feel the moment I grab my stomach and scream Keith's name. I remember telling them to call him because all I wanted was him to take away this pain to fix this.  and he couldn't, he couldn't protect me.  No one can protect anyone from such an event.  I rememeber the tears pouring down and praying hard to feel a kick anything to say she was okay.  When Keith finally arrived he started speaking and Miss Abby must have heard his voice and she just went to town kicking.  That moment I knew deep down she was going to be okay.

I have faced so much this year and in fact I have come out stronger.  I have taken the negative and turned it into a positive thing.  But I know not every day will be full  of cheerful days.  Some still seem to haunt me but I am a fighter and I will GET THROUGH THIS like I have gotten through everything else in my life.   I have fault battles no one even knows about alone and have gotten through it.  Now I have the best man beside me hand and hand fighting with me.  I will one day be strong again to stand on my own two feet.


So here is to a better year in 2015. 

Lost.

About 3 months ago I lost a baby; it was one of the hardest things I have had to face among the many things I have dealt with in my life.  Like many people I handle my pain in a different way. The only way I could truly cope with everything was to turn to my passion and try to find a silver lining in between everything.  In the end I cover up my pain so much that I started to realize how I truly never really recovered from it. I just kept running from it... I know no one can really recover from a lost 100% and sometimes they never do.  It’s hard watching others hold their newborn babies close to them. Seeing women pregnant and going into stores and walking near or seeing maternity or baby clothes. Some days are harder then others and I learn to put on a smile so no one can see the pain I feel. I crave to hold you, to know who you would look like.  It doesn’t matter what others say, you were my baby and I loved you...  I embrace the moments I do have with my daughter more then ever now. As you realize nothing is promised and nothing is forever. So when you are face with the lost you have to find the silver lining somewhere. As sad as that may sound I have learn you have no choice but to move on because life is driving and passing you by and doesn’t plan to slow down for you. You have to hop on and go for a ride or take it for a drive.

Rain

You're the sun on my darkest days, even when I feel the rain coming crash down on me. You stand with an umbrella and hold me close. We wait it out and watch for the rainbow to shine through the clouds.  It doesn't matter where we are, who we are with. It's a drop everything kind of thing.